I might have relational PTSD. I talk a lot about forging community but sometimes the idea hits a barrier: me. As I've gotten older, I've had more opportunities to build healthy relationships but I've only been able to do this through learning from my unhealthy ones.
It's exciting that relationships are being built in my life but I just noticed yesterday that I recoil after a level of intimacy is reached. It triggers memories of intimacy gone wrong (When I say intimacy I mean everything from friendships, to family, to dating) whether it be trust broken or progress rejected.
I back away, I try to think of excuses to separate myself. What ensues is a search to find the worst parts of somebody and expose it to myself so I will be convinced that intimacy is the last effort I should pursue. What if I let someone in and something goes wrong? What if if I'm not the person they thought I was?
I'm going to control my thoughts this time. I don't want to run away from intimacy.
I'll end with something my sister, Brynn, told me as I confided in her. Maybe we can all learn something.
Let's not run away this time.